What's With the Pressure?
Originally shared as a Weekly Musing as part of the Composing Earth program
April 21, 2021
written by Samantha Boshnack
Cycle 9, CoEarth I
Pressure on women to have children is a hard subject to write about. For instance, while I was writing this essay, I was filled with self-doubt about whether I’m being too sensitive about this issue. To support my efforts, I have been amassing articles and watching documentaries on the topic to make sure others can corroborate my experience. It’s obviously a really massive issue and I can’t cover all of it, but I just want to make a few points. I’m writing this as a 40-year old heterosexual Jewish woman. I am speaking to my experience, but I realize others have different experiences.
Since I was a little kid, I have always thought critically about women’s roles. I wrote this “autobiography,” somewhere around the age of 10-11, in which I outlined all the things I wanted to do. I was pretty emphatic about not having kids; I mentioned many times about how it would ruin my life goals to be an actor/writer/musician/jockey- all very realistic :). However, I also wrote that I probably would have kids anyway. Reading it now, I realize that even at that young age, I was feeling pressure. That American dream of owning a house and having children is so ingrained in our society. It feels like everywhere you look - that is the goal, the idea of happiness. When you dig deeper into studying the climate crisis, you realize that not every person can live this way without overtaxing the Earth’s resources. So why do we act like we can?
Throughout my life, whenever I’ve talked about my feelings on this issue, people have treated me as though there is something wrong with me. Either they think I hate kids (which is absolutely far from the truth) or it points to some malfunction in me or my upbringing. I internalized a lot of those feelings for a long time. I’m only now realizing that maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me and I wish that females didn’t have to go through what I did, or worse. I want more for the next generation, but I’m afraid I still see the pressure on them to procreate. I will have young girl students ask me - “So when are you going to get married and have kids?” and I’ll tell them that I don’t think I want that. They will look at me in disbelief. Still.
I found a documentary called “To Kid or Not To Kid,” which provided lots of interesting facts on this subject and presented a woman struggle with the choice. Truthfully, it’s something I have really struggled with. She comes out strong at the end saying she wants to be child-free. The documentary taught me the very word that I had been looking for as I wrote this essay. It’s called Pronatalism: the policy or practice of encouraging the bearing of children, especially government support of a higher birth rate. I think this country is pronatalist, and people often don’t even realize it. Now this is not to say that there is anything wrong with having a family, there is not. But it shouldn’t be such a struggle to justify your choice to society if you don’t want to. Women in this country have a really hard time getting sterilized, while men can get a vasectomy pretty easily. It is talked about a lot in the documentary and there is a good TedTalk about this issue.
I was first introduced to the movement to not have children from reading Jonathan Franzen’s novel “Freedom”. It struck a chord with me and he accurately portrayed how expressing those types of sentiments causes problems for those involved. These days there are many groups and movements of women not having children because of climate change. I joined one years ago called Conceivable Future.
I think it’s time for a shift in thinking about family. In addition to rethinking how we create and use energy and also how much waste we produce; I believe we also need to rethink expectations on women to reproduce. Advertisements, entertainment, journalism all emphasize a woman's role as a mother as being so essential to her existence. Smart people get on talk shows and say stupid things which shame those who have not chosen that path. I see it everywhere - there is always an assumption that everyone will grow up and have children. But we can’t keep growing our population as we have, since we as a species take up too much space and are wiping out all the other life forms co-existing with us. Recently I heard an interview with Elton John, who just had a child at age 63. He said that before that he was too selfish to do so. I immediately lost so much respect for him. Can we change that narrative? Can we acknowledge that bringing music into the world, caring for others in your life, caring for yourself, caring for the planet - these are important too? You don’t have to care for a biological offspring to prove you care.
I love the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” This proverb originates from Nigeria and Hilary Clinton used it as a title for her book. Everyone has a role to play in ensuring a better next generation. I wish for a world in which everyone could feel free to pursue what’s in their hearts. Abolish the norms of everyone having a nuclear family. Let everyone make the decision for themselves as to whether they really want children, let women have autonomy in their lives to choose the path right for them. I think we could have a happier society if we weren’t all trying to fit into a mold that doesn’t work for everyone and doesn’t work for the planet.
I learned in sex and gender class in college, that it has been proven that communities greatly benefit by having some members who do not have children. They provide vital help for raising other’s children. Let’s value the many kinds of ways you can help the world around you - be it in your job, as an aunt/uncle, friend, teachers/mentors, etc.
Birth rate growth is down in lots of countries, and I think it’s wild that this is viewed with fear. “Who is going to pay taxes so that the older generation can live to get older!” We are more worried about taxes (which is a very man-made problem) than the actual problem of how many humans can fit comfortably on our planet.
Whether blasting through the sonic explorations of her alternative chamber orchestra, B’shnorkestra, or leading the 7-piece Seismic Belt or her quintet, Samantha Boshnack’s compositional voice pulses with vitality. Find out more on Samantha’s website.